Look what the cat dragged in..

It’s been a while since i checked on this baby and mind you, it’s not because i had writer’s block, or that i lost a loved one, or that i switched jobs, it’s because I’ve been confused and cluttered in my own thoughts… I can guarantee you that these are the times I slip into a love-hate relationship with my mind.

The reason why i have been lost in my own thoughts is because I’ve been trying to come up with ideas on how to undo what i have done, or sensibly fix what I’ve broken. For the past two years, I have noticed that I’m addicted to drama and i enjoy messing up everything that is good because I get scared when things are too good so i destroy before life or someone beat me to it..

The dumbest thing about doing that is, you don’t really know if that thing was ever going to die out, or disappoint you and turn into a rotten apple. I forget I don’t see into the future, I only have the power to hope that all things will go well. 

I did something early this year, and it was going good, but i feared that it would turn bad and i messed things up because i cared about that thing and now its gone and i’m trying to get it back without hurting other “things”.

See how confusing that last paragraph was, i’m more confused than that.

What i’m really saying is, THINK BEFORE YOU DO!!!! Don’t go out thinking grass is greener on the other side. It might not be.. Don’t leave without reason, don’t complain when things seem good, the good you have might have been the best you’ve got.. 

Look what the c…

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JUST FOR HIS HEART

He has a perfect bone structure, cute wouldn’t describe him well- handsome is the word. Perfect, not too light, not too dark brown skin with no sign of acne or even a tiny pimple… He has a husky voice, almost perfect like his skin tone, like his brown lips and that beautiful smile… He has great taste in clothing, lovely body and he walks tall, with confidence and almost some resoluteness…

I begin to ponder that maybe, just maybe,i’m the only one that sees such beauty, such handsomeness, such perfection, even so, i don’t think it matters.. When he walks in, i give birth to a smile that not even my closest friends nor family know. My heart beats irrepressibly and my hands quiver, goosebumps force themselves out of my skin. I can’t find my voice because my throat carries an eccentric and tight weight that makes my voice almost tremble. He makes me nervous, not because of the seriousness he carries in his walk, but because i feel my heart dwindling, I want to know him, his distinctiveness, i wanna see more of that smile, i crave to hear more of the husk in his voice…

He talks to me, i’m in the “friend zone” and i wish he knew how i really feel, how i really want him to incarcerate me, with passion… For him, i would sacrifice the benefits of rolling around with lads who own whips, who own houses.. For him, i dream to start afresh with someone, i dream to build a serious relationship with someone, i see him with me and i hope, deep down in that exquisite heart of his, he wishes he would have the same with me…

This is the letter that my heart has written because it yearns to be joined by one other specific heart

The Trauma Blogging Puts Me Through

Blogging has officially become one of the most stressful “tasks” i have come across in my entire life. I initially started this as a hobby, and seeing the stats has made me stress more than usual. Habitually, I stress about my career, what my next move is, how long am i planning to stay at my parents house, but blogging has taken the spotlight and has without a doubt out shone all the other things in my life…

For the past few days I have been reflecting with some serious circumspection what it is that readers want to read about and i have come to no inference what-so-ever. Then again, it is not your problem and i apologise to those who took their time to read my blogs only to find that i haven’t been writing anything. 

The most challenging part about blogging is the question each blogger has in their mind, “are people gonna bother reading this blog, are they even going to like it?”. I didn’t brace myself for this because i didn’t think think that this would throw me down to the gauntlet at all, outstandingly since i know that I am pretty opinionated and i like to think i’m well informed. As soon as we log onto WordPress.com, some serious “fuckery” and nervousness hits home… 

I have thought about stopping, mainly because i get stuck contemplating on what i could write about (that just irritates me, since i am stubborn and i love typing like i get paid to, I will continue writing because i do need to feed this newly found addiction… 

THIS PURELY MEANS I WILL KEEP ON STRESSING ABOUT TOPICS BECAUSE I HEART YOU GUYS THAT MUCH…

It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride_ Johnny Depp

“No one has ever been choked by swallowing pride”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My throat hurts and its so hard for me to swallow, my palms are so sweaty i could pour the sweat in a glass and it would seem like water, my head is pounding so much i feel like my brain is about to explode… I’m anxious.. I’m extremely nervous… I’m not going to a job interview, nor am i doing an acting audition, i just feel like that because i”m about to do what is morally correct after doing wrong..

Its been months since i last spoke to her…I wronged her and she has wronged me too but it was more on the side of my plate, so i am the one who has to apologize… Will people still call me the bigger man even though i took so long to say i’m sorry? But I know that doesn’t matter, since when do i care about what people say? I’ve always been the don’t care type, so i doubt its about people.. I think its more like what is she going to say, is she going to say anything at all, do i want her to say anything?

It’s her birthday today and I feel its the best opportunity to talk to her, but then again, if she does hate me it means i’m going to spoil her day-I don’t intend to do that… How do i begin to approach her? She is approachable, i mean come on, she has big brown eyes that would make melt, she has “smushy lips”- sort of like a natural pout, she has a nose that fits her face perfectly, she’s fair skinned, she is very approachable.. But i wronged her, so where do i begin..?

I’ve never been one to swallow pride, I’m the type that waits for someone to apologize so if she knows me as well as she used to say she did, then she would know that it takes a lot of muscle pull to say the “oh so hard to say” four letter word…

I’m sad today because I can’t bring myself to do what i have to… That makes me a coward, right? The least i could do was say happy birthday on twitter, but i know its not enough… *Hangs Head In Shame*

It is better to…

“A thousand words could not bring you back
I know because I have tried
Neither would a thousand Tears
I know because I have cried”

I am seriously starting to think that my blogs are about loss, heartbreak and love. Lets just say, at this point in my life, i am losing and i can feel the wrath! And NO, I do NOT expect or WANT any of you to feel sorry for me (I’m happy as long as you gain some wisdom from my blogs). BACK TO BUSINESS. .

Last night my ex called me on my way home from work *Sigh* and you know what, for some reason i was extremely ecstatic. (You know us girls, “Ah the modaf***ka misses me, I knew he would call!!”) He called to ask me if I wanted to come hang out with him because he is BORED!  I felt so small, but i said yes anyways!

Now lets take a pause for a moment, you’re probably asking yourself, why would she say yes, what made her agree??? The answer is, I wanted to show him that i have moved on, that i found a new boyfriend, more matured than him, more money than he has and he drives a better car.

I waited for him to call me back and HE NEVER DID!!! And it hit me. . . When a woman is over a man, she doesn’t have to prove anything to him, my intentions of agreeing to our “meeting” were not of a woman who has moved on but rather from a woman who is still holding on. . If you want to make someone feel that you don’t care anymore then bad news , you ARE FAILING because if you are so “over” this individual, what he does, what he hears about you wont matter because you are not thinking about proving anything to him!!!

It seems he still has a hold on me and it is unfair to my significant other. . But the epiphany i had is a signal that i am ready to move on and start a life with someone else. . Over the years i have learned that some relationships are like seasons, they COME and GO and it is no use dwelling over them because even if they do come back, they will never be the same. .

In closing (Wow, now i feel like i’m writing Mrs Johnson’s essay), sometimes in order for us to get over something, we need to face the problem head on, and somehow, through our strength and wisdom, we will vanquish it, the best part is that we leave it with our heads held high, we become stronger, we become wiser and most importantly we get a step closer to finding out who we really are as individuals. 

Loving You, Simply

*Sealed And Sun-Kissed*

“A thousand wo…

The Promise I Made To Her

“I will never walk away from you, rather i walk knowing that you’re dead than walk away knowing that you’re alive.” That is the promise i made to her,  and a couple of months later I WALKED AWAY!  I still wonder why i didn’t fight, why i walked away the first time we had a disagreement. Were all the years i spent with her a waste? Was i sub-consciously waiting for her to mess up so i could walk away without contemplating on that decision. .?

She was MY FIRST! I loved her dearly, she knew me inside-out, she knew what i loved and hated. . We used to build each other, we used to cry together, we bonded over “THE SIMS”-weird, but, yup, it was our bonding time.  She met someone else and everything changed!!!

The new girl became a priority! She would much rather spend time with her and ditch me, even when i needed her more! I became a bore *yawn*. . The one thing that hurt me the most was that when she was with me, she would talk about her, or she would try to turn me into her. . 

I GOT FED UP AND WALKED AWAY!!! But…. I MISS HER. . With every bone, every heart beat, every blink. . but life goes on, she has moved on and i’m still holding on. .

I wish she was still MY BEST FRIEND. . .

*Sealed And Sun-Kissed*

I want the heart!!!

“Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.”_ Samuel Lover
That’s the mentality i usually have getting into a new relationship…As a young adult, i believe most of us look for a companion, someone we can talk to everyday before we sleep at night. . The problem is, it seems i have the worst taste in men… Love the innocent type of looking lad, clean and simple… BUT these men turn into monsters as soon as we turn 4 months old. I have started to ask myself if i am the problem because it seems as if i have a “don’t go any further after 4 months’ stamp on my forehead!

The question is, does this happen to the majority of women my age or am i just unlucky in love?! Sometimes i think it’s karma because i have hurt men too, but yoh, seems like i have caused serious heartache because the wheel has taken a vicious turn!

Most of them tell me that they don’t know what it is that want!Then i scream to the top of my voice and say “Its simple, I WANT THE HEART”… Maybe it’s because i shout in my brain and i just don’t say it out loud!!! 

Fact is, men will never be true to you if you aren’t true to them. You will give 100 and get nothing back because you never really tell them what it is you want, its like going to a store and paying for something you don’t want to buy… Ladies, lets just tell them that we just want the heart, maybe, just maybe, it will change something for you and me…That’s if Karma has swapped positions with Cupid!!

Simply Me, Loving You, Simply

*Its sealed and sun kissed*